MAY NEWSLETTER
Dear Parents,
GOODBYE KALI! – Last Day Friday May 10th!
Our beloved Academy Director Kali is leaving us after almost 7 years! She has truly been a gift to Life Ki-do and our community. She has been instrumental in the growth of our academy and we are so grateful that she has been part of our Life Ki-do family for so many years. We will miss her dearly but she is furthering her education so we wish her all the best! Please join us in telling her how much we will all miss her.
NEW ACADEMY DIRECTOR JEFF
While Kali will be impossible to replace, we have selected Jeff Campbell to take over her responsibilities. Jeff comes to us from a couple of decades running stores for Whole Foods Market across the country but he’s an Austin native and glad to be home. His daughters are some of our newest students too!
MEMORIAL DAY – Closed Mon, May 27th
There will be no Life Ki-do classes on Monday, May 27th in honor of Memorial Day. Classes will resume as normal on Tuesday, May 28th. We hope you all have a wonderful Memorial weekend! Missed classes can always be made up in any age appropriate class. Contact Jeff at jeff@lifekido.com or Sarah at sarah@lifekido.com to schedule make-ups. Due to Memorial Day, the May belt test for Monday classes will be held on Monday, June 3rd.
SUMMER FLEXIBLE SCHEDULE VS. SUMMER UNLIMITED PROGRAM – What’s the difference?
The Summer Flexible Schedule allows your child to make-up any missed class or just attend any other age appropriate class during the week rather than the set day they are currently scheduled for; still attending the same number of days each week you are currently paying for. We do this every year for June, July & August and there is no charge for this. You do not need to call ahead, which we require during the school year. We do this on the honor system and it should give you ample opportunity to make-up any missed classes over the summer. Click here to view the summer flexible schedule – http://lifekido.perfectmind.com/MySite/flex-schedule
The Unlimited Program allows your child to attend as many classes as they like (in the age appropriate level) for a small additional fee. This program too is only available June, July and August. To sign up for the Unlimited Program please contact Jeff at jeff@lifekido.com or talk to us when you’re here. Why have your kid throw Ninja Throwing Stars only one day a week when they could do five!
LIFE KI-DO SUMMER CAMPS – summer is almost here!
Register now before we sell out! Life Ki-do Karate Camps include fun, nurturing and age appropriate games and training in martial arts, life skills, bully free safety skills and team building. Visit http://lifekido.com/karate-camp/ to see all camps, dates and times and to register today!
LIFE KI-DO PARENTING BOOK WINS 2 NATIONAL AWARDS
We are thrilled and honored to announce that our Life Ki-do Parenting book just recently won 2 national awards. The first is a Nautilus Book Award. Nautilus honors “Better Books for a Better World” and we are grateful to be acknowledged in this way. The second is a National Parenting Publications Award (NAPPA), a “go-to” source for parents and professionals seeking the best products for their children and families.
CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST REVIEW OF LIFE KI-DO PARENTING BOOK
We loved reading our most recent Amazon review and hope you do as well:
“I have been practicing child psychology for approximately 16 years and this by far is the most comprehensive book I have come across dealing with internal happiness. This book is an excellent source for parents to teach their children how to battle the external factors which are making our children overly stressed and anxious today. Teaching children to be happy from within is every parents dream and this book is not only well written, the techniques are easy and fun to follow. Not only have I successfully implemented the Life Ki-do tools in my own home with my three children, I highly recommend it to my clients. It’s a must read for every parent.”
LOST AND FOUND – Missing your stuff?
We have 3 wicker crates near our front door filled with lost items from classes in the past 4-6 weeks. Please check here on your next visit if your child is missing any clothing or gear. We will empty out these bins on Saturday May 11th, so please remember to check if you are missing anything.
APRIL NEWSLETTER
SUMMER FUN NINJA TRAINING
Don’t miss our ALL-NEW special summer-only ninja training!! Each week during the months of June, July, and August, we will focus on one of these super-fun ninja activities:
- Ninja Throwing Stars
- Kung Fu Swords
- Boxing & Kickboxing
- Parkour Obstacle Course (Jackie Chan style!)
The special ninja training will be held in ALL regular classes and doesn’t require purchase of any additional gear or equipment. Lots of cool, indoor not-to-be-missed fun!
AUGUST BACK-TO-SCHOOL SAFETY SKILLS & BULLY PREVENTION
In addition to our Special Summer Ninja Training, in August we will also focus on mental, emotional and physical skills that will give your child more confidence to respond in a strong and appropriate matter to bully or safety issues while heading back to school.
UNLIMITED SUMMER TRAINING PACKAGE – Come as often as you like!
New and current students are invited to take extra classes over the summer by enrolling in our Unlimited Summer Training Package. For only $155/month, students can attend as many classes as they would like each week and exponentially improve their martial arts skills over the summer. If you are interested in enrolling your child in the Unlimited Summer Training Package, contact Sarah at sarah@lifekido.com, or call 327-2900.
LIFE KI-DO SUMMER CAMPS
Life Ki-do is offering lots of fun Karate Camps for new and current students of all levels, ages 5-19! This year our camps are a little different and will be broken down into three different levels allowing for more personalized instruction for each age group. We always sell out, so register soon!
POWER NINJA KARATE CAMPS – All levels, ages 5-7, kinder/1st grade students
These camps will be taught by Sempai Tommy and Jake and will be held at our Life Ki-do Academy from 10am-12pm, Mon-Fri. Camps include fun, nurturing and age appropriate games and training in martial arts, life skills, and team building.
- June 17-21 from 10am-12noon @ the Life Ki-do Academy
- July 15-19 from 10am-12noon @ the Life Ki-do Academy
- August 12-16 from 10am-12noon @ the Life Ki-do Academy
SAMURAI KARATE CAMPS – All levels, ages 6-12, 2nd-5th grade students
These camps also include fun, nurturing and age appropriate games and training in martial arts, life skills, bully free safety skills, leadership training, and team building.
- June 10-14 from 9am-12noon @ Shepherd of the Hills Church
- July 22-26 from 10am-1pm @ the Life Ki-do Academy
- August 19-23 from 9am-12noon @ West Austin Youth Association (WAYA)
ADVANCED KARATE CAMPS – Samurai Int-Adv & Teen/Advanced students only
This special camp is a wonderful opportunity for students to experience advanced training in special skills like breaking boards, ju jitsui finishes, in-depth kata study, S.P.E.A.R. self-defense system, and stick & knife training.
- June 24-28 from 10am-1pm @ the Life Ki-do Academy
- August 5-9 from 10am-1pm @ the Life Ki-do Academy
Click here for more details and to register for the Power Ninja, Samurai, or Advanced Life Ki-do Karate Camps: http://lifekido.com/karate-camp/.
SUMMER VACATION PLANS? – Let us help you!
Whether your family is staying in Austin or out of town for the summer, we have membership options that address everyone’s needs. We encourage you to keep your child as connected as possible to their training to not lose the emotional connection and benefits from the life skills and martial arts training.
1. SUMMER FLEXIBLE SCHEDULE – Over the summer, we offer a flexible schedule, which gives you a few alternate class days/times to attend. With this option, you can choose to come on a different day and/or do make-up classes when your child’s schedule doesn’t allow him/her to attend his/her regular class. You don’t need to schedule anything in advance with us, which makes it easy for you to switch days and do make-ups.
2. FREEZING – With this option, you pay $25/month (for 30 min classes) or $30/month (for 45 min classes) for June, July and/or August to hold your child’s spot. If you choose this option, your child will be guaranteed a spot in the fall.
3. CANCELING – This option requires a 30 day advance notice. While this option suspends your billing for the summer, it does not guarantee a spot in the fall. Usually, by the end of August, our classes are all full again and waitlists can take a few months.
Contact Jeff at jeff@lifekido.com or call 327-2900 to plan your summer schedule today!
MARCH NEWSLETTER
SPRING BREAK – NO CLASSES MARCH 11-16
There will be no youth or teen classes from Monday, March 11 through Saturday, March 16 for Spring Break. We will resume classes on Monday, March 18 at our Life Ki-do Academy. Feel free to contact Sarah or Kali to schedule a make-up class for the one your child will miss during the break. They can be reached by emailing sarah@lifekido.com, or calling 327-2900.
PARENT WEEK – ALL CLASSES MARCH 21-27
Join us for a week of fun family training! Parents, you are invited to participate in your child’s Life Ki-do class the week of Thurs, March 21 – Wed, March 27. Don’t miss this wonderful opportunity to practice Life Ki-do Martial Arts & Life Skills with your child. To respect our neighbors, please only bring one car per family.
FRIDAY NIGHT TEEN/ADULT CLASS – JOIN NOW!
In response to the many requests we’ve received for adult training in Life Ki-do, we are pleased to announce that the Friday 5:15-6:30 class will now be a Teen/Adult class. This class will give adults an opportunity to train in the same Life Ki-do martial arts and life skill curriculum that we teach all our students, and will be lead by both Sensei Jonathan and Sensei Doug. The benefits of training include: learning simple practical tools to de-stress, physical and emotional safety skills, increased mobility, and healthy strength training. For pricing and registration information, please contact Kali or Sarah by emailing kali@lifekido.com or sarah@lifekido.com.
SENSEI GENE UPDATE – ON HIS WAY TO RECOVERY
We are happy to share the news that Sensei Gene is well on his way to recovery. For those of you who don’t know, Sensei Gene was involved in a serious shooting accident at a gun range in November. He just had what should be his final surgery, and he has already begun teaching some classes.
Recently, Sensei Gene wrote about his experience of the accident and his recovery process. Click here for his incredible first-hand account in an essay titled, “On Humility”.
PARKING MANNERS – PLEASE RESPECT THE RESERVED SIGNS
Some of our neighbors have reserved parking signs in front of their stores. Please do not park in these reserved spaces during their respective business hours. Thank you!
THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU WAIT – THERE’S SO MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM!
Help us keep the waiting room a quiet place for observation, computer work, or homework by exploring the wonderful shops around our complex. Below is a quick list of all the great places to choose from:
1. Austin’s Pizza – enjoy food, drinks, and a fabulous playground open to ALL our Life Ki-do families!
2. Tweetie’s Nails – get a quick mani/pedi while your child is in class
3. Fetch – buy a treat or a toy for Fido, and chat with the super friendly owner, Cynthia
4. Curves –a women-only gym, offering 30 minute training sessions and workout time
5. efficient exercise – offers private, 30 minute, one-on-one training sessions
6. BEADS – a complete jewelry-making store
7. Ceramics Bayou – they provide everything – the pottery, paints, supplies and ideas for you to create your own unique pottery!
8. Yoga Vida – offers yoga classes from 6:30am to 6:30pm
There’s even more available just across the parking lot:
Walgreen’s
Popeye’s
Hai Ky Cafe
Twin Liquors
Subway
Texas Honey Ham
Kinda Krazy Kids & Ko
Westlake Mail
and more!
NEXT LEADERSHIP MEETING – SAT, APRIL 4 @ 4-5:30 (LEVEL 3s), 4:30-5:30 (LEVEL 1s)
For those of you that were invited to be a part of the Life Ki-do Leadership Team, your next meeting is Saturday, April 4 from 4:00-5:30pm for Level 3 Leaders, and 4:30-5:30pm for Level 1 Leaders.
SPRING TOURNAMENTS – SAVE THE DATES!
Our next Life Ki-do Focus Tournaments will be held on Sat, April 13 @ 4-5pm for the Power Ninjas and on Sat, April 20 @ 4-6pm for all Samurai levels. Save the dates – you don’t want to miss these fun events!
TWO STEPS TO A FRESH START THIS NEW YEAR FOR PARENTS AND KIDS
The beginning of a brand new year can be a wonderful time of reflection — to look back and to look forward, to let go of regrets and to be open to new opportunities. This coming year is still a blank page but whether you have a specific New Year’s resolution or you are just ready for a fresh start, you need a game plan. The A-B Formula is an easy-to-follow, two-step process to help everyone in your family work towards making changes and getting a fresh start this New Year. It’s simple to follow yet it’s very powerful in its impact. It’s also easy for everyone in the family to remember: “A” = Accept and “B”= Baby Step.
The beauty of the A-B Formula is that it’s equally effective and digestible for young children, teens and adults. Each member in the family can apply it to their own personal goals and everyone can use it together to achieve a goal set for the entire family. It can be a wonderful bonding experience for the family because everyone young and old can use the same process and the same language.
The first step in the A-B Formula is “A” for Accept. True acceptance of who and where you are today is a critical step to a fresh start and having a clean slate. When you can accept where you are today, you are acknowledging your worth as the person you are right now. This will give you the strength, commitment and breathing room to make lasting changes.
Unfortunately most of us spend much more time looking at how far away we are from where we want to be, rather than appreciating where we are right now. And then there’s the inner judge – the one who lives in your head and gives you a running commentary or rather a running criticism of what you are doing wrong and how much better you should be. Sound familiar? If you don’t learn to tame your inner judge, it will hound you every step of the way so that even if you do reach your goal, it will tell you that it’s not enough.
The best way to keep your inner judge from taking control is through self-acceptance. If you can accept who and where you are today, your inner judge will take a backseat and lose its power to hold you back from where you want to go.
There are three simple steps to follow to accept:
STEP 1 — ACCEPT
- Be aware of where you are today
- Be kind and patient with yourself
- Take responsibility instead of blaming others
The second component in the A-B Formula is “B” for Baby Step. A Baby Step can ignite the momentum for change to happen. Taking a palatable and achievable Baby Step will kick-start your confidence and give you the fuel to keep moving in a positive direction towards your goal.
Another common approach to achieving goals is to try to get from here to there without any plan at all. If there’s no clear direction or path, it’s very easy to feel lost or overwhelmed and then just give up. However, taking just one Baby Step will help you or your child feel confident, responsible and capable of making change.
To take a Baby Step, it’s important to remember:
STEP 2 — BABY STEP
- Make it a step you can handle today
- Take a step in the direction you want to go
While looking for a fresh start this New Year, remind yourself to Accept and Baby Step. Over and over again, Accept and Baby Step, Accept and Baby Step. In martial arts, I learned the Japanese term kaizen, which means “consistent and never ending self-improvement.” This rings so true to me and is a great reminder for me when I think I need to be perfect at everything for everyone. The pressure, stress and self-judgment that tag along with trying to be perfect can be overwhelming. On the other hand, focusing on the process rather than the goal invites kindness and patience towards ourselves. Remember, achieving goals alone will never make you happy in the long run. It’s who you become along the way that will give you the deepest fulfillment.
JANUARY NEWSLETTER
LIFE KI-DO ONLINE
HUFFPOST ARTICLE- 2 Steps to a Fresh Start this New Year for Parents & Kids
The beginning of a brand new year can be a wonderful time of reflection — to look back and to look forward, to let go of regrets and to be open to new opportunities. This coming year is still a blank page but whether you have a specific New Year’s resolution or you are just ready for a fresh start, you need a game plan.Read more…
Full Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jonathan-hewitt/2-steps-to-a-fresh-start-_b_2373300.html
KENDO DEMONSTRATION – Video link
We had the joy of hosting two very special Japanese Kendo instructors at the dojo last Friday. After performing a 20 minute demonstration to some of our students and parents, the instructors took pictures, passed out gifts, and then taught a 45 minute class to our Teen/Advanced students. It was a wonderful evening full of excitement and learning. For those of you who were unable to attend, below is a video of the demonstration and Q&A session.
Video Link: http://youtu.be/PGBgoc3W75k
A very big THANK YOU to the Green family for helping to facilitate this unforgettable event!
UPCOMING DOJO EVENTS
MLK HOLIDAY – We are open!
We will be open and holding classes on Monday, January 21, Martin Luther King Day.
WINTER FOCUS TOURNAMENTS – Jan 19 for Power Ninjas, Jan 26 for Samurai
We are pleased to announce that we have made a few changes to our tournaments to better serve our student body. The Power Ninja tournament is now open to all Power Ninja students (Kinder and 1st Grade) and will be age appropriately kept to 1 hour. The Samurai tournament is open to all levels of Samurai students.
Our tournaments are lots of fun and emphasize doing one’s personal best rather than comparing oneself to others. Each student is scored in three areas: focus and effort, quality of movement, and partnering skills. Please see the tournament dates below to determine which one your child is eligible for (tournaments are not available to the Sat 10:30, Sat 11:00, or Sat 11:30 Family Tigers classes at this time).
POWER NINJAS (all levels)
DATE: Sat, Jan 19 from 4-5pm
ELIGIBLE CLASSES: Mon 3:15, Mon 4:15, Tues 3:15, Wed 3:15, Wed 5:15, and Sat 1:00
PRICE: $25 (includes 2 rounds of Grappling/River Wrestling)
OPTIONAL EVENTS: none
SAMURAIS (all levels)
DATE: Sat, Jan 26 from 4-6pm
ELIGIBLE CLASSES: Mon 5:15, Tues 4:15, Tues 5:15, Wed 4:15, Thurs 3:15, Thurs 4:15, Thurs 5:15, Fri 3:30, Fri 4:15, Sat 1:00, and Sat 1:45
PRICE: $25 (includes 2 rounds of Grappling/River Wrestling)
OPTIONAL EVENTS: $10/each (Sparring and/or Flow Forms)
Spaces are limited and we usually sell out, so register early! Register online by clicking here!
* (If the link doesn’t work, cut and paste the following into your browser: http://lifekido.perfectmind.com/.)
LEADERSHIP TEAM MEETING – Sat, Feb 2. Level 1 @ 4:30-5:30pm, Level 3 @ 4:00-5:30pm
Invitations will be emailed soon to students eligible for the Leadership Team Level 1 or Level 3. The Leadership Program is an opportunity for students to learn how to lead and communicate with great confidence, strength and care.
IMPORTANT DOJO ANNOUNCEMENTS
FLASH JANUARY DEAL – 20% off Long Sleeve T-Shirts
Through the month of January we are offering 20% off all purchases of our Long Sleeve Dragon T-Shirts!These long sleeve t-shirts are perfect during the colder weather for keeping your child warm while training in the dojo. To receive the discount, orders must be placed in person at the dojo, over the phone by calling 327-2900, or by emailing sarah@lifekido.com. Get them while supplies last!!
BULLYCIDE: A FATHER’S HEART-WRENCHING LETTER TO HIS SON’S TORMENTORS
Six years ago, 13-year-old Steven Urry hanged himself in his bedroom closet after being tormented by bullies. (His Name was Steven: A 13 Year Old Victim of Bullycide) His parents were left to face the unfathomable — life without their son.
The time period after they buried Steven was one of unbearable torture. The unanswered questions haunted them day and night. WHY would Steven take his own life? Their son had never shown signs of self-harm before and hadn’t displayed the common indicators of depression. He had lots of friends in his neighborhood and a supportive family who loved him very much. WHY hadn’t he shared with them the extent of the bullying at school? The question they agonized over, again and again, was this: WHY didn’t he tell them what happened at school that fateful day? Sadly, it’s very common for kids not to tell their parents about being bullied. It was only after he died that Steven’s parents began to hear from his friends about the cruelty he had endured since starting middle school just a few months before. It was far worse than they ever knew.
As the days and weeks went by, Steven’s father Mike, says, “Everything in our world was overshadowed by the mental addition of a thought like, ‘Ya, but Steven’s DEAD!!’ It never leaves, softens or changes. You never get over it, so you just have to get on with it.”
As an outlet for his pain, Mike sat down and wrote a heart-wrenching open letter to his son’s tormentors describing how the cruelty that led to their son’s suicide destroyed his family:
We lost part of ourselves that day; part of us just disappeared. His sister will never have a little brother to talk to, and will feel his loss every single day. She will never truly understand what happened, or why. She loved Steven and cannot understand why you didn’t like him. His mom may never really recover, you can’t possibly conceive how losing a child destroys a mother, eating into her soul, like a disease with no cure. You stole the woman I love, leaving a shadow behind. You stole her husband as well, and replaced him with an angry, broken man. You can’t know the depth of a father’s pain, my anger at you, or how lucky you are that I had help dealing with my desire to erase you from this world. I will never find true peace, but I will not lower myself to your level, and act out on my frustration and pain, like you did.
Remarkably, instead of taking revenge, Mike has somehow been able to find the extraordinary strength and courage to channel his pain to help others. He says,
The seeming unfairness of knowing that revenge won’t cure the pain has been tough to accept, but I don’t think a person who takes revenge ever truly heals. As the saying goes, “It won’t bring him back.” Doing something positive doesn’t really lessen the pain so much as offer an alternative to it. Anything is better than being constantly haunted, and helping others is about as good as it can get when it comes to creating happiness.
After several years of mourning the death of his son, Mike founded an organization called His Name Was Steven whose mission is to end the culture of school bullying and raise awareness about youth suicide. His website provides an endless list of resources as well as free anti-bullying flyers for parents to hand out with Halloween candy. “Let kids know they are NOT alone,” he says.
When I asked Mike how WE can best honor Steven, he said,
I think the best way is to stand up and speak out. Don’t accept that this is the way it has to be. We can change our society for the better, but it takes all of us. Recruit your friends to the cause, make a choice to show empathy and treat others the way you’d want to be treated.
Personally, Steven’s tragic story and his father’s inspirational courage have catapulted me into taking a stand and making a call for change. The problem, as I see it, is that our society today is in a Culture of Conflict ruled by what I call the 4 C’s — Compare, Compete, Control and Conform. In honor of Steven Urry,Amanda Todd and all of the other children and teens suffering, I am making a call for change — a call for a culture of connection ruled by a new set of 4 C’s — Compassion, Care, Cooperation and Consciousness.
The problem today stems from the fact that we have been conditioned to find our self-worth and validation from the outside in. How we feel about ourselves is based either on what others think of us or whether we think we are better or worse in comparison to someone else. It all becomes the perfect breeding ground for relationships and interactions based on a Culture of Conflict – Compare, Compete, Control and Conform.
In a culture of connection, however, I believe that if we can find true self-love and respect from the inside out while cultivating empathy, compassion and respect for others, we will be able to see others as fellow human beings instead of people to be in conflict with. We can be at peace with who we are as individuals while at the same time honoring and respecting others for who they are. Yes, bullying is an extremely complex issue and creating a new culture of connection is an enormous undertaking. But we have to start somewhere.
I have been teaching life skills to thousands of children and teens for 20 years and have developed a life skill system to empower children with tools to develop their confidence from the inside out while cultivating the social intelligence for positive, healthy interactions with others. In Steven’s honor, I’d like to share the tool that focuses on developing empathy, compassion and cooperation. It’s called My Shoes, Your Shoes, Our Shoes and while it’s certainly not going to solve everything, I believe this tool can be a powerful first step towards a culture of connection. The following is a basic outline:
MY SHOES is about expressing your inner strength and individuality. The steps are:
1. Express clearly your thoughts and feelings
2. Explain instead of blame
3. Speak instead of scream
YOUR SHOES is about learning how to hear, understand, empathize and care about the thoughts and feelings of others. The steps to Your Shoes are:
1. Feel and understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes
2. Listen with your ears, eyes and heart
3. Open your mind and close your mouth
OUR SHOES is about honoring individuality while looking for ways to connect and work together. In order to live in Our Shoes, we need to:
1. Respect each other’s feelings and opinions
2. Work together to find a solution or understanding
My Shoes, Your Shoes, Our Shoes is a simple, practical tool that is easy for children to understand and apply while being equally as practical and powerful for adults. You can teach it to your kids but try it for yourself, too. It can be used as blueprint for healthy, positive communication and connection with family, friends, co-workers or anyone who happens to cross your path.
Remember the words from Steven’s father: “Stand up and speak out. Don’t accept that this is the way it has to be. We can change our society for the better, but it takes all of us.” Let’s get to the root of the bullying issue. Let’s work together to create a culture of connection. Are you in?
HIS NAME WAS STEVEN: A 13 YEAR-OLD VICTIM OF BULLYCIDE
His name was Steven. He was 13 years old and six years ago, he hung himself in his bedroom closet after being tormented by bullies. Last week, his father reached out to me after reading my HuffPost article, “Bullying: The Really Big Problem Behind the Really Big Problem” about National Bullying Prevention Month and self-bullying. In a horrible twist of irony, last week also marked the loss of another teen. 15-year-old Amanda Todd took her life after years of relentless bullying. Just last month, she had uploaded a nine-minute video to YouTube entitled Amanda Todd’s Story: Struggling, Bullying, Suicide, Self-Harm. It’s a tragic reality that there have been so many suicides attributed to bullying that we now have a word to describe it: bullycide.
This is Steven’s story. The story of a life that ended way too soon. It’s the story of Steven’s parents and the unfathomable pain they have had to endure. It’s a story that hopes to honor Steven, Amanda and all the other victims of senseless bullying while trying to bring awareness and change to the greatest youth epidemic of our time.
Steven was a sweet, sensitive and artistic kid. He adored his older sister and he loved skateboarding, baseball, music and his dog, Finster. He also happened to be a little awkward. He was a smallish kid who was different and just didn’t quite fit in. To some extent he had always been the target of teasing, but it was in middle school at the beginning of 7th grade when the bullying escalated to a level Steven could no longer face. That day, his tormentors set him on fire with a lighter and an aerosol can of body spray. They recorded their attack on a cell phone and posted it on the Internet. Later that evening while his mom was getting dinner ready, Steven took his own life.
It had been about a month since Mike and Pam Urry, Steven’s parents, had become aware of the severity of the bullying. They had met with school officials, filed police reports and had made plans to remove Steven from his school. Mike says, “We just found out too late, or maybe we didn’t act fast enough, I don’t know. The teachers and staff had no plan, no procedure in place to identify and stop the abuse.”
It’s a story we hear all too often. Tragically, many people knew what was going on, including many of Steven’s fellow students. One of the bystanders wrote about her guilt and shame on her blog:
We all knew what he went through. We knew who beat him up. We knew who locked him in a cupboard. We knew who had held his head under water in a sink. So why hadn’t we told anyone? We were stupid. And we expected somebody else to do something about it. I wish I could apologize to Steven. No, I never bullied him up front, but if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
It was Steven’s mom who found him after he had hung himself when she went to tell him to wash up for dinner. Mike was at work and a police officer was sent to pick him up and take him to the hospital. Not knowing what had happened, he was escorted to a private room and “I instantly felt my blood run cold,” he said. Pam was hysterical, crying convulsively and shaking her head violently as if to refuse what she was hearing. Mike says, “It was a tidal wave of pain and panic. Our boy had taken his own life. My son was gone. Our beautiful boy was just… gone.”
Mike says he spent that day in a state of “massive emotional trauma.” He doesn’t remember very much of those first few days, but what he does remember haunts him to this day. “It’s just one long nightmare I keep having. Seeing my son in the morgue, on a slab,” he says. “I can still see the ligature marks around his neck.” He can also still recall with crystal clarity the scream Pam let out as she awoke the day after Steven’s death and remembered what happened. It’s a horror no parent should ever have to endure.
“Preparing our son’s funeral was beyond surreal,” says Mike. Pam read her letter to Steven to the packed chapel. “It was the most profoundly perfect and beautiful message from a mother to her child we had ever heard.” Pam’s father had dug and prepared Steven’s grave and Mike lowered the urn into the ground with his own hands. “My last act as Steven’s father.”
It has been almost six years now since they experienced the unthinkable act of burying their child, but tragically, it’s stories like Amanda Todd’s from just last week that can trigger an avalanche of emotion. “The power of these triggers to propel me right back to the emotional moment of Steven’s death is overwhelming, like nothing I’ve ever experienced,” says Mike. “It’s like the six years since never happened, like it’s December 2006 all over again.”
In Part 2 of this story we’ll hear how Steven’s parents endured the pain and grief after Steven’s death and how the cruel act of their son’s bully has become their own personal trauma. We’ll also hear how Mike has channeled his pain into an organization called His Name Was Steven to help prevent other children and teens from suffering at the hands of bullies as his son did and prevent other parents from experiencing the horror they have.
This is Steven’s story. But for Steven, Amanda and all the other children and teens who have suffered, let’s make it OUR story. Let’s make this a story to awaken us to the reality of this great epidemic. Let’s make it a call and an outcry for change.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
BULLYING: THE REALLY BIG PROBLEM BEHIND THE REALLY BIG PROBLEM
October has traditionally been a time when the weather is starting to change, we’re planning Halloween costumes, and starting to think about the holidays. But October is also now recognized as National Bullying Prevention Month. On the one hand, I’m thrilled that we are giving this critical issue such focused attention. But on the other hand I am deeply saddened that bullying in our nation has reached such epidemic proportions.
We’ve all seen the heartbreaking and disturbing stories regularly making headlines on the news and in our local papers. It’s way too often that we hear horrifying stories of teens committing suicide as a result of bullying, like the story a young girl posted about her sister, She was Bullied to death R.I.P., which has over 4.3 million views on You Tube. There was even a documentary film entitled Bully released in U.S. theaters earlier this year. Clearly, the bullying issue is getting the attention it deserves.
And everyone is working really hard to find solutions to the problem. Children and teens have been surveyed, research has been compiled, conferences have been organized, and programs led by students, teachers, administrators, psychologists and bully experts are all attacking the issue. The Department of Education has hosted summits on bullying prevention and 48 states have now enacted anti-bullying legislation. Even celebrities are doing their part like Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation.
Yet the statistics are still staggering. According to the CDC, “Current estimates suggest that nearly 30% of American adolescents reported at least moderate bullying experiences as the bully, the victim, or both.” Unfortunately, 83% of these bullying incidents receive no intervention and continue to happen. I could go on and on with these kinds of sobering statistics.
Can the news be any worse? Well, I honestly believe that behind the really complex and pervasive bullying issue is actually another issue equally as complex and even more widespread. I believe that the really big problem behind the really big problem is self-bullying.
I have taught anti-bully programs to children and teens for 20 years. I have taught the mental, emotional, verbal and physical safety skills to prevent and deal with a bully situation. Of course, there is huge benefit to these kinds of programs, but at some point I realized that it just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t addressing the problem behind the problem.
Under the tremendous pressure and influence of peers and media, kids today are bombarded more than ever with how they should look, how they should act, and who they should be. Because no child can possibly live up to these false standards, it all becomes fertile ground for self-directed negative thoughts, harsh self-judgments, and damaging comparisons. The problem compounds because when children don’t know how to deal with their own self-negativity, they look for other ways to alleviate the pain. Too often a child will try to feel better about himself by putting down someone else. Thus it’s a domino effect and without addressing self-bullying, we will never have a chance of making a big dent in the bullying problem.
Of course, there is no overnight, quick-fix solution, but I am dedicated to attacking the self-bullying problem in two ways. First, we need to help our children build a strong, positive sense of self from within instead of looking to others for their validation and self-worth. Second, we need to help our children develop the skills to deal with negative thoughts when they do arise.
So, where do you begin in helping your child? I know that it can all seem overwhelming, but I invite you to take the first step which is awareness. Start with yourself. Become aware of your own self-bullying. Do your children see you judging yourself, comparing yourself to others, putting yourself down? What are you modeling to your kids? What are your children learning from you? Realize that you don’t have to be perfect. No one is immune from self-bullying, but we all have the ability to learn skills to deal with it.
Start a conversation with your children about the topic of self-bullying. Without over sharing or overburdening your child, you can talk about your own experiences with it. You can ask your child to become aware of when they experience self-directed negative thoughts or putting themselves down. I invite you to air out this topic in your home and let it become something that you and your children can discuss openly.
Awareness and open conversation are great first steps to address self-bullying with your family. Stay tuned for a follow-up article when I’ll be sharing specific tools to help your child deal with self-bullying thoughts and build a strong, positive sense of self from the inside out.
WHY THE AMERICAN HAPPINESS FORMULA IS MAKING OUR KIDS DEPRESSED
Growing up in Connecticut, I was a diehard follower of what I now call the American Happiness Formula: Look Good + Perform Well + Get Approval = Happiness. The formula was never spelled out for me per se, yet it was the unspoken doctrine that ruled my life and the lives of those around me. As a child, I was star of the soccer field; as a teenager, I was state wrestling champion and as a young adult, I was a commercial model and promising Wall Street intern. Boy, did I try really hard to Look Good, Perform Well and Get Approval, yet the American Happiness Formula never lived up to its promise. All it did was leave me with daily migraines, stress related stomachaches and a general feeling of emptiness. (Yes, that’s me in the soccer uniform with stress written all over my face.)
Unfortunately, I was not the only one. Do you know that children are significantly more anxious and depressed today than during the Great Depression and World War II? In fact, the research of Jean Twenge, professor of Psychology at San Diego State University, shows that the time period a child is born in actually has greater impact on his level of anxiety than even his family environment. Twenge says, “Even if you come from a stable, loving family, growing up amidst the stress of recent times might be enough to make you anxious.” Exactly my story.
Twenge’s research not only provides the data about the downward spiral of the mental health of America’s children, it also points to the reasons why. Her research showed that the average young person in 2002 was more externally motivated than a whopping 80 percent of young people in the 1960s. When comparing the data, she discovered that the rise in children having extrinsic goals matched the same rise in depression and anxiety during the same forty-two-year period. Ah ha! Therein lies the answer and it all points to the American Happiness Formula.
Over time, our children have been encouraged and led by the media to follow the American Happiness Formula. We have become approval junkies always looking for the next fix, the next hit of validation and approval. The problem is that our goals (Look Good + Perform Well + Get Approval) are all extrinsically based. They are based on what other people think of us, something we have no control over. When children believe they have little or no control over their fate, they become anxious, and when their anxiety and sense of helplessness becomes overwhelming, they become depressed.
So now that we understand why the American Happiness Formula isn’t a happy one at all, let’s take a look at what can make us happy and fulfilled. The American Happiness Formula has taught us to look for happiness from the outside in, so clearly the answer lies in the reverse. We need to find our happiness from the inside out.
We need to encourage our children to focus on intrinsic goals which are based on individual development. If we focus on intrinsic goals, we are looking to personal effort and progress — things we can control. Having a sense of control of our own lives can then lead to feelings of contentment and happiness. Research has shown that those who are intrinsically motivated exhibit not only more interest, excitement and confidence in their lives, but also enhanced performance and higher levels of self-esteem and well-being.
There’s strong media pressure and a societal current today that will encourage your children to look for their happiness from the outside in. You can help turn that around by showing your child how to look inward for their validation and self-worth. Guide them to care more about the type of person they are on the inside rather than how they look on the outside. Help them to focus on their effort and being their personal best rather than focusing solely on performance and achievements. And most importantly, help them to see that getting approval from others is only a temporary illusion of happiness. Save your child from getting consumed by the American Happiness Formula by giving them the skills they need to develop true and lasting happiness that can only come from the inside out.
WAX ON, WAX OFF PARENTING – HOW TO STAY FOCUSED & CALM WHILE GETTING THINGS DONE
As you and your children settle into the new school year with new schedules and new activities, it can all be quite overwhelming. Your role as family manager has just stepped into high gear – planning, organizing, directing, monitoring, and motivating are in the forefront as you help your children adjust to everything this school year brings. So how can you get everything done and not lose your marbles?
It’s as simple as focusing on one thing at a time, yet I know that’s much easier said than done. As parents we are often juggling the biggies like work and kids while also struggling to find some tiny shred of time for ourselves. So while we are doing one thing like helping kids with homework, we might be thinking about something else like a work email that needs to go out. Or while at the dinner table, we might be thinking about what homework is left to be done, researching the best math tutor, or registering for soccer.
When we are not present to what we are doing, we can feel scattered, overwhelmed and just plain exhausted. The people around us are not getting our full attention, which can be unfulfilling and hurtful to them, and the tasks we are trying to accomplish are not getting our best effort and ability. On the other hand, when we ARE present to whom we are with and what we are doing, our inner state of mind is quieter and more peaceful. Those around us are getting our full and undivided attention (honestly this is what our children want most from us), and our “to do” activities are more easily taken care of when there isn’t all the extra brain clutter.
Here’s a simple way to stay present. Ask yourself the following three questions: Where is my attention right now? Where is the best place to be putting my attention right now? Can I make the choice to shift my attention?
This practice can be profound in its impact but it does take practice. When you find your mind wandering away from what you are doing, ask yourself the three questions and bring your attention back again, and again, and again.
Think back to our dinner table example. Shifting your attention back to the present – to the meal and to your family – will undoubtedly be a more enjoyable and fulfilling experience for all. But what do you do with your thoughts about homework, math tutors and soccer? This is where you need to find the best “brain drop” system that works for you. What I mean by this is the most effective system for you to drop and organize all of the thoughts in your brain.
After attending one of my seminars where I spoke about focusing on one thing at a time, one mom proudly showed me how she created a personal organization system with five separate pads of paper each designated to one of the five major areas of her life. Personally I have an online task manager which keeps all of my “to do” lists organized. Whether it’s a smart phone app, a pad of paper or some other kind of system, find what works best for you and commit to it. You need to find somewhere to drop the contents of your brain so that your thoughts and endless lists don’t clutter your mind.
And last but certainly not least, don’t forget to put your heart into what you are doing. While your mind can be harnessed for focus and attention, it is your heart that offers connection and care. Without your heart, you can be super organized, very attentive and disciplined yet the people around you still won’t feel connected to you and you will feel a certain level of emptiness in everything you do. Again, it’s a practice. Don’t strive for a state of perfection; simply aim to keep your heart open and to share your heart with others. With a present mind and an open heart, not only can you be a compass of strength and calm to your family, but your experience of parenting and life itself will be richer and more fulfilling.
